"Whatever comes out of a man's mouth, reverse it" - Shera Seven
I've taken a long break from dating because I realized I always fell for the same stupid games. Ughh what can I say! I was a lover girl at heart, I genuinely couldn't help it. I used to be like, yess tell me what I want to hear, and then I'd get played like a fiddle lol.
But it's not entirely my fault. Let me explain.
I didn’t exactly grow up with a healthy example of what a man should be. I grew up watching women overextend, overgive, and over-explain themselves to men who were doing the bare minimum. I rarely saw women being fully provided for, protected, or prioritized. I didn’t even know that kind of dynamic was a real option until my late teens/early twenties. I genuinely believed love was built on chemistry, words, emotions, and potential. I thought struggle was romantic and loyalty meant enduring confusion.
*Sigh*
So when I started dating, I went in blind. No concrete standards. No framework. No real understanding of what effort actually looks like in practice. I went in armed with a fairytale and zero discernment, which, in hindsight, is a dangerous combination. I didn’t know what I should expect, so I accepted whatever was offered and tried to make it work.
What I learned the hard way is this: WORDS ARE EASY AND CHARM IS CHEAP. A man can look at you in the eye and hold you by hands and tell you he likes you, he sees a future with you, that you’re different from the rest, that he wants to take care of you, but if his actions do not match the promise, then the promise is meaningless. Words without follow-through are not reassurance, they’re noise. Seriously, I mean it. A whole lot of bla bla bla bla. Once you learn to reverse what a man says and look at what he does, everything becomes clearer.
Listen closely.
If he says he misses you but never makes concrete plans, reverse it.
If he says you’re special but treats you like an option, reverse it.
If he says he’s busy yet somehow always has time for everything and everyone except you, reverse it.
A man who is serious does not create confusion. He will create clarity through consistent effort and behavior. Also, he would never put himself in a position where losing you is even a slight possibility.
Younger me used to think asking for actions made me demanding. I thought wanting consistency meant I was asking for too much, and expecting effort made me “high maintenance” (as if that’s an insult). In reality, I was never asking for too much. I was just asking the wrong men to rise to standards they never intended to meet in the first place. And instead of walking away, I kept negotiating my needs, hoping potential would eventually turn into effort.
That's where I had take accountability in my own suffering: I stayed longer than I should have because I wanted the fantasy to become real, instead of accepting the reality that was already in front of me.
The real shift happened when I stopped listening to what men said they wanted to do and started watching what they actually did without being prompted.
Did he follow through?
Did he invest time without being chased?
Did he create emotional safety?
Did he show up when it mattered, not just when it was convenient?
Did his effort remain steady once the novelty wore off???
Because provision is not just money.
It’s presence.
Planning.
Reliability.
Emotional regulation.
Consideration.
Follow-through.
A man who is serious about you will add value to your life. Not stress, and confusion. Not endless talking stages and mixed signals. You will feel chosen, not auditioned. Secure, not anxious. Calm, not constantly questioning where you stand.
So if you’re wondering when I’ll start dating again, the truth is simple. First, I want someone who shows up and invests, not just in me, but in my life, my peace, and my future. Someone whose actions make it unnecessary for me to ever question my worth or my place in the relationship. Someone who understands that effort is attractive and consistency is romantic. Not because I'm greedy, but because with time, what I've come to understand is that a man's willingness to invest his ressources in his women is a direct reflection of his love and care for her.
Zero investment = zero care.
And no, he doesn’t need to buy me a Birkin to prove it. But let’s be honest… if a man already has the means and chooses generosity without being asked or feeling resentful, that alone says a lot about how he values partnership. Gifts aren't the only thing that prove love. But effort always does (but hey if he can afford the Birkin I’ll take that too).
LOL,
-Arlie xx
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